Finding Strength in Fear
October 5th, 2012
Ask anyone of my friends or family members and they will tell you that I am intimidated or fearful of very little. Some will probably say that they can’t think of anything that would have me scared. But on this day, October 4th 2012 at 2pm I must declare…I’m a little scared.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been experiencing an atmospheric shift in my spirit. It feels like there’s an unseen chain of events orchestrated by God that spiritually and physically move things in their proper place. I’m sure that this happens all the time but there are particular moments that my sensibilities are connected to the shift. Usually while I’m encountering this feeling, I keep the knowledge of it to myself as to not weird anyone out but not this time. While having a random conversation with my sister, it became apparent that I wasn’t the only one involved in the knowledge of the shift. She and I were riding in the car and we were discussing all of the random changes that have been happening around us. Out of the blue she said “it just feels like a shift in the atmosphere.” Right after she said it I started screaming, “OH MY GOD!!!! Are you serious right now?!!!! I feel it too!!!!” Simultaneously we both started explaining how we were both attuned to this movement surrounding us. I felt a lot better because it wasn’t just me. During this time we both witnessed other people going through job, family and health changes. Then a couple of weeks after having this conversation, while at our other sister’s house for dinner the conversation of the shift surfaced once again. To my surprise our sister had been journaling about recognizing a shift. At this point I was more than elated to know that there was someone else involved in the identification of the shift. Is my fear with the shift? Yes.
As recent as last week, I made a major decision that ultimately transitions me to a whole new way of life. New surroundings, new friends, new everything and I know it will be the catalyst to my next level. Though I’m excited to take this next leap of faith, I’m a little scared. Not of the possibilities but of the drastic change. I am an extremely inquisitive person and I don’t particularly care for not knowing what’s going to happen next. I am a child of God and have great faith but I will admittedly say that one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn on my spiritual journey is how to fully trust Him. Occasionally, I do relapse into my “tryna control everything” ways but this time I’m just going with the flow. I’ve been holding my fear inside as to not spark the onslaught of opinion on my decisions (that’s why I’m not being super specific about them). This transitional phase has me shaken but I definitely feel empowered. I believe the strength is coming from recognizing how much my faith has grown. Usually, I would be somewhere wrecking somebody’s nerves talking about the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybes’ but right now I’m so secure in the shift. It also helps that I have an amazing sister who listens to all of my crazy…she even proofreads all of my post. Lol. When discussing my fear with her she said “[the fear] is expected. I mean you better be scared!!! Because you’ve made a life changing decision that will put you on your path to happiness…I support you” and some other positive stuff. Her sentiments gave me a sense of calm and support to carry around. (I love her). During this entire time of uneasy and unknown changes, I’ve discovered this new layer of “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.- Philippians 4:13.”
Alter Egos: Super Woman vs Super Silly Zilla
October 4th, 2012
VS 
I have an interestingly nerdy perspective to share today. I was thinking about all of the women of the world who consider or call themselves “super woman” and it hit me that some of these chicks are soooo not that. Truthfully, we all have some sort of alter ego that shows up during various times to either defend from ignorance, empower for multi-tasking or prepare for battle. Whatever conquest needs to be conquered, the super woman alter ego shows up to save the day. With that being said, I must add that the super woman alter ego is not every woman’s alter ego. As a matter of fact, there are some specifications that must be a part of a woman’s DNA that will allow her to be classified as a Super woman. Such as attentive, intuitive, caring, strong, loving, fearless, self-assured and just plain FIERCE!!!! For example, as many others in the world, my primary example of a super woman is my Mother. On any given day she can transform from regular ol’ Debra to wife/mother/ lady/chef/counselor/ seamstress/beautician/HNIC at work/minister and she does so without anyone seeing the outfit change. And because it is a part of her being, there are no questions as to how she does it. Is it a bird, is it a plane….NOOOOOOO….IT’S SUPER DEB!!!!! What is her weakness? There’s only one thing that can get to a real super woman and that is overdoing it. Simply put, super woman can only be taken down when her body physically slows down. So it’s always in her best interest to pace herself.
For every super hero there is a villain. For all of you super women of the world I must tell you about the increasing population of what I will call Super Silly Zilla. She’s a real-life, walking, talking, breathing villain. For ages, as if I’m a hundred years old, I’ve wondered how an educated woman can morph into this villainous creature? Where did Super Silly Zilla come from? Well, she has been created by the ever growing generation of women who are insecure, starving for attention and narcissistic. Her prototype was spawned years ago but in more recent years with the increase of low self-esteem and desperation her form has manifested into a surprisingly strong opponent. Typically she has all the makings of a beautiful tragedy (click to read). She is intelligent, has a great career, house, frequently travels, but when it comes to relating to the opposite sex, her alternate ego appears. Unlike her chief nemesis, her transformation is visible for the world. When vying for attention, she becomes cloaked in garb that is solely used for enticing. Her mannerisms are dripping with seduction and she has the ability to lure her prey to her den without physical force. Usually her prey will comply with insinuation or promise of physical satisfaction. Her main source of power is purely physical. The appeal of the Super Silly Zilla alter ego to the educated woman is that she seems to be sexy, in control and adventurous. But in all actuality she is an inferior representation of super woman. Her primary weakness IS super woman and everything she embodies. So whenever super woman appears in a room with her multifaceted beauty shining and the heaven’s singing, Super Silly Zilla runs for cover and swears to never be in the same room with her again.
So I ask you….Which one are you?
VS What You Not Gon’ Do!!!! - Part 2
October 3rd, 2012
What You Not Gon’ Do!!!! - Part 2
We are now in the final quarter of the year. I let 6 months pass by without speaking one word about the constant shenanigans I’m encountering. It is WELL overdo and I plan to release all built up frustration as to remove all annoyance or possible residual annoyance.
1. What you not gon’ do is…be openly ignorant! If you want to stay ignorant by all means have fun with that but please, please keep it to yourself. We are headed into a time of one of the most important presidential elections and the cloud of ignorance that is looming over the USA is big and dark. I won’t even get into party issues specifically but I will say that it’s important as registered voters to be educated on BOTH sides of the ballot so that an educated decision can be made. For those who are not registered but are eligible for registration I have one question. What is the problem? I have heard more young people who are eligible to vote for the first time say that they weren’t registering because it doesn’t matter. ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!! As a black woman in America I treasure my vote but with many of the young black men and women they have no true understanding (therefore are ignorant) of the fight for this right. History classes teach a summarized version of the civil rights movement but the fight for voting rights was so much deeper. It should be understood that the right to vote is a freedom that should not be abused. I respect the privilege so deeply because it was something that became available to blacks within my parent’s lifetime. What better simple act of respect for those who fought but to carry out the freedom that we inherited. Without getting too preachy I will say this, it’s almost 2013 and racism is running rampant. With the addition of the worldwide web not only can people be cyber bullies but they can be internet racists as well. They can hide in plain sight. So I encourage those who are ignorant about what’s happening in their neighborhood, city, state, and country to get an understanding so that we can exercise our rights.
2. What you not gon’ do is…keep lying!!!! I have posted many times on my pure disdain for liars and how, as an adult, it’s extremely unnecessary. Well, I think I need to reiterate it!!! Why you gotta lie???!!!! Just be honest. OH MY WORD!!! I’ve been watching Iyanla Vanzant’s television show called Fix My Life and though it has an entertainment appeal to it, there’s one basic constant to the show…TELL THE TRUTH. She has, for the last few episodes, literally been half-screaming in peoples’ faces to be honest. The show has great information about how to confront issues and heal from them but the first step to all of it is being honest. See your part in the problems that you are having in your life. Stop blaming others because as an ADULT you can make changes and learn new behaviors. I think people should be real about who they are and stop hiding behind their wall of dishonesty. Do you know why? Let me tell you. It’s because, inevitably, a day will come when someone driving a bull dozer of truth comes through and runs their lying behind over. I recently was involved in a discussion/meeting where a group of people were asked a simple question but instead of answering truthfully they gave the answer that they thought was right but as I tend to frequently do, I went against the grain and spoke the truth. My answer was transmitted with respect and received as it was intended. Ultimately, my truth was the general consensus of the group, even for those who answered differently. (Sidebar: How unfortunate is it that speaking the truth is AGAINST the grain?) Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying be rude or walk up to people saying whatever comes off the top of your head. I am saying, however, that it’s important to live your day to day as if the whole world can see. I’m not perfect. I understand that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws but self-respect, integrity, maturity and reverence for God are the things that keep me honest. Bottom line…YOU AIN’T GOTTA LIE!!!!!
3. What you not gon’ do is…THAT!!!! True story: It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I’m walking into the hair salon to get my locks tightened. What is it that I see over at the shampoo area? In disbelief I ask myself “Is that pink perm rods with a plastic shower cap on top of an older man’s head?” Before I could sit down good my stylist says, “Girl, do you see that man getting a jheri curl?” My God in heaven today…it was exactly what I thought it was. My first thought was it is 2012, not 1982. Who still has supplies or knowledge on how to do those? My second thought was he must be the poster child for when keeping hood goes wrong. I watched as his stylist finished his hair. When he was leaving he gave her a hug and said “Thanks Cuz.” As he left the salon, my stylist asked the other “is that your cousin?” and with a straight face she quickly replied “Girl naw. We’re Crips.” All I could think was, “wait…WHAT?” I patiently waited for her to crack a smile or give some sort of indication that she was just joking…but she never did. Here’s my assessment of this entire story. This man was well over 45 years old and the stylist is 30 years old. It is time out for all of the foolishness in the world. All I kept thinking was you are too old to be still talking about gang representation and did you just get out of the penitentiary because jheri curls have been banished from the community for well over 25 years. You not gon’ do that!!!!
Of course I have so much more I could say but I will stop there for right now. There will be an end of the year edition to summarize all that we will not allow to be carried over into 2013. If you missed the first part, just scroll down and read What you not gon’ do!!!! ENJOY!!!!
The Importance of a GIRLS ONLY vacay!!!!
June 20th, 2012
I’m in the last stages of preparation for what may be my last visit to Essence Festival for a while and it has occurred to me that I have made this trip and few others with JUST my girls. Truthfully, it is the perfect all girls or all guys vacation weekend. Because it is held in New Orleans (which means non-stop entertainment) and it’s an Essence Magazine event (all about uplifting sistas). Over the last few visits it’s been a different experience each year. Some of them have been good, some bad and some scary…but all in all great memories captured with amazing friends. While this almost yearly excursion is not my only GIRLS ONLY vacation, it does represent all of the great parts about traveling with your chicas.
1. Conversation is unlimited. When I say unlimited I don’t mean non-stop because of course there are the quiet moments we ALL need but I mean free from boundaries. All women with “real” friends will tell you that we can be so open about our lives, loves (past or present) and goals on a vacation that there is guaranteed growth. On the converse side, there are the “not-so real” friends. Typically they have very little conversation with their fellow female travel-mates and usually are on the vacation to hunt down a man. There is no use in trying to communicate with the “not-so-real” friend because her mind, conversation and behavior are all man centered. She only came on the girls’ only vacay because “you don’t bring sand to the beach”.
2. Shopping/Browsing is fun. When on a vacation with a guy, shopping is very unnecessary. It’s about all things OTHER THAN shopping. I mean, they will go shopping but it’s just to appease their woman. However, when you’re out of town with your girls, it is a requirement that you find “somewhere we don’t have back home”. Everyone is looking for something cool and different so when someone asks where they got it they can say “a little shop in Philly.” For me, a self professed shopaholic, no vacation is complete without at least a little shopping time for souvenirs and….a few things for myself. #dontJudgeme
3. Perfect friendship strength test. Real friends are always about empowering and encouraging each other…so being out of town should be no different. All girls’ vacations should be filled with laughter, adventure, honesty and fun!!!! However, there have been trips that I have returned from and the friendship did not survive the trip. There weren’t any major fights or Basketball Concubines type of ignorance going on, just a peaceful unspoken “we probably shouldn’t be friends” departure. They are all still cool people that I am cordial to when I see them but travel buddies or hang out homies…nah, not so much. I think that when you spend a certain number of days together…more time than just a dinner or drinks…you see people’s TRUE self. Whether they are overly self-involved, controlling, boring, scary or careless…you see it all after a couple of days on vacation. This can result in a better understanding of what kind of women you should really surround yourself with.
4. Finally, what happens out of town stays out of town. Good girls’ only trips have plenty of stories but no resurfacing of details when they return home. All of my trips with my girls, even the ones where the friendship didn’t last, never had any blabber mouths in them. If they did, they apparently never said anything because, truth be told, they were the ones that were doing what I call …“the most”. “the most” usually occurs when someone is doing all that they can to say they enjoyed their trip. It is quite often over the top and a tad dangerous. Needless to say, those people usually don’t go anywhere else with me or my real friends.
All in all, I love traveling with my girls and though this year’s trip to Essence Festival in New Orleans will be a “see you in the not so near future” event…I will still have a great time. Next year’s trip is already in the works and my girls and I will have much more fun at a new place!!!! For all of you who commonly state that you don’t care for hanging out with women…I sincerely hope that you find some “real” WOMEN friends to go on a vacay with so that you can understand this amazing experience I’m writing about.
SHOUT OUT TO MY SOULMATES/SISTERS!!!!!!
GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!!
June 19th, 2012
On Saturday, it was a peaceful day at the park. Celebrating my 2 younger nieces’ birthdays and enjoying the beautiful weather. This particular day, there seemed to be multiple celebrations or cookouts at the park. At this location, there is a splash pad that sprouts water for the kids to play under…key word KIDS!!!! Unexpectedly a group of grown folks, with a kid or two sprinkled in, decided to join in on the splash pad fun. It might not have been so bad, except 2 of the adults were (once again) inappropriately dressed. The violators were a man and a woman…the female offender had on knit shorts and a knit tank top, no bra and she was heavy set…GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!! The male offender had on some calf length baggy shorts and no shirt…GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!! Whether they were physically fit or not it was out of line and gross. THEN….yes there’s more…we were enjoying our cake and chilling when we saw the group of dead wrong adults leaving the park. There was another heavy set lady with them and she too had on knit shorts and a tank top. Well I guess the walk to the car was a little laborious and she needed to rest so she decided to lean over on a square metal box that was directly in front of our picnic area. If she was leaning from the front I may not have paid attention but since she was leaning so that her backside was prominently featured in our direction…the whole party noticed. We all tried to not say anything too loud or insensitive but heaven and earth was filled with her glory and no one at the party wanted to see all of it…GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!!! That evening while shopping at one of the most common places to see such “body confident”, “I don’t care what I have on” people…also known as Wal-Mart…we encountered another violator. Now in all actuality there were more than this one…it’s Wal-Mart and we all know it is the land of the braless, toothless, just leave the house and go offenders. Any who, while waiting in line to pay for our stuff my sister and I had the misfortune of standing behind a lady who looked fine when standing still…but soon as she start walking everything went wrong. She had taken the time to do her hair, put on make-up, wear a cute dress and cute sandals….but when she started walking it became apparent that she forgot her under garments. In her case I wanted to say GO PUT SOME DRAWS ON!!!! (Side note: Wal-Mart gets on my last nerve with always having only 6 of their 20 lanes open…there’s 50 people at work…put someone on the register!!!! That’s why I usually go to Target).
Seriously, this epidemic just makes no sense to me. I’m not saying people have to walk around looking like they are a cast member of Little House on the Prairie or even care what others think…I’m just saying don’t subject the world to your at home attire. Be courteous enough to put on something that will not show your under clothes, hold the jiggles, and cover the crevices. Just have some sort of respect for yourself. #andImDONE
Secrets
April 6th, 2012
My sister and I are super close. We hang out together, we share a lot of the same friends, we have been with each other for all of our major life events and we even handle our finances together. We are together so much that most people can’t say her name without saying mine. I love our relationship and I trust her completely. So much that she knows almost ALL of my business. I would say she knows about 99% of my life…but there’s that 1% that I keep to myself.
My secrets are quite ridiculous when I think of what they are and I don’t keep them to myself for fear of judgment. Truthfully, I keep them in my head because words are powerful. I often think that if I speak any of my secrets, the world might shift. Sometimes when I’m about to say something mean I will stop because I don’t want to put that energy in the air…same concept with my secrets. If I actually say it, there’s a chance things will change. Whether it’s someone’s perception of you or your attitude towards someone/something else…there will be change. As we all know, people’s perceptions can have an effect on your life. Granted, I’m not really a person who cares about what people think of me but I do care about what my family thinks of me. I mean my secrets aren’t murderous or whorish, they are just private. I must say that if any of my secrets were unveiled, I wouldn’t be ashamed because they aren’t juicy or overly exciting…I just don’t want to tell anyone.
That’s the best part about a secret, you don’t have to lie about it…you just don’t say anything. Y’all already know I can’t stand liars…so when people choose to lie instead of just telling outsiders to mind their business it gets on my nerves. To me a good secret is something that is not detrimental to anyone’s life but it may help to protect someone’s feelings. Hell, it may even protect your own feelings. There is one secret that I hold close to my heart and it is constantly swirling around in my head. The funny thing is that if I ever told any of my close friends or my sister, they would just laugh. I’m more than positive it wouldn’t shock them and since I’m such a contained person, they might even give me a high five because it was a moment of spontaneity. The main reason it remains a secret is because I don’t want to admit it to myself. So in my head it will stay.
I say, whatever your secret is, keep it to yourself….just don’t lie about it. If someone ask, tell them to “get some business”.
Random but...real
April 4th, 2012
This past weekend my sister and I had the privilege of seeing Kevin Hart and his crew in concert. We had an absolutely amazing time. Now, on to the embarrassment.
Oklahoma doesn’t get a lot of concerts that feature relevant people…we usually get the reunion or casino tours that have artist who haven’t had a hit since the 80s or 90s. With that being said, all I could think about before the show was “Lord, don’t let Oklahoma embarrass me.” Granted I’m not the Mayor or Governor or anything but from the time we arrived to the theater, it was evident that I would be embarrassed. There were wall to wall women with endless bags of hair on their heads, thigh high pleather boots, too short dresses, too tight shirts, and “Girl, how did she get them on” pants. I mean I saw so much hot mess-ed-ness out there it was ridiculous. Fortunately, my naturally beautiful sistas represented…and we were all strategically placed throughout the audience so that the ghetto forces could not be too strong. Some of the horrendously dressed women were people I know through 6 degrees of separation and I know for a fact that they really weren’t ghetto girls…but for some reason it was “dress-up-like-a-hoochie” day for them.
Don’t get me wrong, dressing sexy is cool but dressing slutty is not…there’s a big difference. Form fitting can be great because it can accentuate all the positives and (with the help of supports) smooth out the negatives. But when the dress is so tight I can see your belly button through the material or when you stand up all I see is the entire top of your thong….You need to go up a size!!!! One of the funniest parts of the night was when Kevin Hart and one of his opening comedians were talking about how they love natural women…whether the hair is nappy or straight as long as it is your own. The theater was very quiet (except for us natural girls clapping)…a lace front sista was sitting next to me catching an attitude over this statement (I’m laughing right now just thinking about it). And I heard a whole lot of others grumbling because they thought they were too BADD….when truthfully, they just looked bad.
So last night, I was talking to one of my best guy friends and he was telling me about an annual professional event he went to this past weekend and how every year the women seem to get more hoochiefied. I could do nothing but laugh because he was clowning hard about how many women these days are so contradictory. They may have a master’s degree or make 6 figures or graduate from an Ivy League university but STILL have no self worth. That’s all it boils down to…no sense of self respect.
I have so much more to say about this subject but I’m under the weather right now…so to be continued with more profound thoughts and less clowning!!!
Balancing Act: Practicality vs. Passion
March 29th, 2012
When I was a sophomore in college, I had this dream of becoming a singer. I constantly sang, listened to and wrote music and I even talked to local producers. My parents, on the other hand, insisted I finish school. In attempt to find a happy medium, I pursued an out of state school that would give me the training to become a musical engineer. After getting all of the paperwork filled out and talking to the schools counselor about transferring, I had a discussion with my parents. The conversation basically went like, “you need to settle down, stay where you are and choose a major because we are not paying for the other school”. This memory is funny now but I was pissed then. So I chose a major, fashion business. The summer before my senior year, I was to complete an internship. This was my opportunity to get out of Oklahoma for a few months and familiarize myself with the fashion industry. See, I’d been working in retail since the summer before my sophomore year…so I KNEW retail but this would be FASHION!!! I hunted and sent resumes all over the East and West coast…then I got a call. A hip hop apparel company based in Brooklyn, NY offered me the chance to intern for the summer. Like most internships, it was non-paid but would have given me experience and exposure. Once again, I found myself having a conversation with my parents and this time it went like, “congrats but don’t you think you should find something that pays because we cannot give you the money to go”. So I found an internship/job in Tulsa that paid and gave me experience (mostly retail…not much fashion). Once again, practicality won over passion. My parents are practical people (my mother more than my father) and they encourage my siblings and I to pursue our dreams but in a smart way. “Think it through”…but it seems to me that when pursuing a dream, you have to throw caution to the wind and go for it. As I say that, I sit here in my practical job contemplating the next path to take towards my goals.
My passion is still fashion and the ultimate goal has been set…the issue is finding a way to passionately pursue it, while practically paying bills. Some people can just pack a duffle bag and go sleep on a friends couch for 90 days but as an independent woman I haven’t been able to accept that as an option. I mean there is nothing wrong with it, but my rearing has taught me to be self sufficient. Plus as a woman, there are too many personal effects to be considered. It just annoys me when I see myself not giving a hundred percent to either side of the scale. My dream would be to run into some exorbitant amount of money so that I could just stop working my practical job and pursue my career (I’m sure I’m not alone…lol). Reality, however, states that my practical job keeps my bills paid. So how do I balance the reality of responsibility and the pursuit of happiness? My answer…I stay in God’s path, I know wherever he leads me, I will find ultimate joy.
Beautiful
March 15th, 2012
So I’ve been quiet for a few days…I had to get my thoughts together. See, with this being a blog about my day to day thoughts, it can be a very emotional process. Being that I’m a thinker, my mind can go into overload…so I have to shut down for a little while, recharge and come back with the TRUTH. While on my mental vacay, a lot of stuff has happened.
This past weekend I was walking into Target and ran into an old high school friend. (Side note: a lot of my situations happen when walking into Target.) Anyway, I was clownin’ with my sis and didn’t notice him but he clearly noticed me because he called my name. When I turned to see who THOUGHT they knew me, I had the stankest look on my face…so he said, “Is your name…?” I glanced at his face and recognized him but wasn’t sure it was him until I saw his name tag. It was evident that he had just gotten off of work at his fast food job. I quickly threw on a smile, we hugged and he started in on the 20 questions and 100 explanations of the past 15 years.
Rewind back to 1995/1996…in high school he was one of my secret crushes. He was tall, had a beautiful smile, well dressed, nice hair cut, always smelled good, well mannered, funny and super sweet. We had a few classes together…including music…and he could sing. Since we saw each other throughout the day it was easy to become fast friends. After a few weeks of just kicking it at school we started talking on the phone. This was pre-cell phone days…so in addition to his cuteness…the fact that he knew how to properly call my house, ask permission to speak to me and would stay on the phone with me until I had to get off (my parent’s rules)…he naturally became a perfect candidate for crush status. I say secret crush because even though I was FIERCE…I wasn’t the conventional beauty. As you know, in High School…a guy might like you but if he thinks that for a second his homies might clown he will ‘friend-zone’ you real quick. So I was always the coolest female friend to have. Pretty in the face but chunky in the waist lol (I think I’m funny). Anyway, we continued our friendship for the duration of our high school career but never did I ever express my “like” for him and never did he ever breach the boy code of dating in high school.
Fast-forward to March 9th, 2012. Standing in Target, as I stated he started in on the “what’s been going on” questions. I express, that I’m just working and on my grind for my next level in life. It was a short and sweet answer that perfectly describes my (on purpose) very simple lifestyle. Out of common courtesy I returned the question. Man, what did I do that for? All of the flood gates opened and he started telling me too much. He started with his recent separation (4 days) from his wife who he had been back and forth with for 11 years. They have 2 children together but she had 3 before they started their relationship. He has been the sole provider for ALL of them because the previous baby daddy was a dead beat. Though he took good care of all of them, she has had a hard time staying completely faithful. So she constantly runs back and forth between him and some other guy. Now he is back at his parent’s house rebuilding his life. After high school he started going to culinary school but because of the relationship with his wife and their children, he had to quit. Now he has the opportunity to go back and finish school. In the meantime, he works at the fast food place and also, as a waiter. In between all of the rambling, he took a few opportunities to express how good he thought I looked. I was quite speechless and a little distracted. Basically the entire time he was rambling about his situation, I was noticing his unkempt hair, his very dark weed smoker’s lips, his dull skin and the fact that he looked way older than he actually is. As my momma says those are clear signs of “hard living”.
After a few minutes of his talking, I explained that I needed to go find my sister because she left me before his barrage of information was fully released. He then took the opportunity to express how he wanted to keep in touch, asked for my number and mentioned something about getting drinks or coffee sometime. I politely smiled (not flirtatious) and gave him my number. When I got in the car, I was telling my sister about the entire ordeal and how that kind of random spirit cleansing always happens to me. Like I could randomly run into someone from a previous point in my life and instantly they give me the graphic synopsis of their adult life. It is fine with me…but always seems very random.
The funniest part of the night was after my sister and I discussed the conversation, his appearance and his uncomfortable flirting…I told her that when I hear situations like his…it makes me feel…ummm…it makes me feel so BEAUTIFUL!!! I know that sounds crazy but let me explain. With my life being very calm and controlled, there are times it feels BORING and many women in my shoes would take it as a negative. Well I don’t!!! I’m always proud of my ability to think things through and make SOUND decisions. It always seems that after listening to someone purge their stress, I usually feel much better about being a calculated person. It probably sounds insensitive on my part but I feel that in life we all have choices and how you feel about yourself ultimately depends on YOUR decisions.
Will he be in my prayers? Yes. Would I ever go out with him? No. I love living a relatively drama free life!!!!
What you not gon’ do is....!!!!
March 5th, 2012
Okay, I held off for 3 months but since the tom foolery did not cease in the first quarter of the year…it’s time for me to talk about it!!! My sister and I have this statement, “What you NOT gon’ do is…” It is our way of instructing individuals on matters that they should consider not doing anymore, ever again. I have a few things for this new 2012 year that should be considered for removal in our every day society.
1. What you NOT gon’ do is….continue to embarrass us! Over the last few years the integrity and morality of the world has depleted to unimaginable lows. As a black woman, the lows have been doubly harsh for my sex and my race. For now I’m just gonna get on the issues of my sex. How many angry party girl shows do we have to see before the media stops promoting these embarrassing ideas? These ideas that at ANY age or any race, women are erratic, emotionally unstable, highly aggressive, hoochies that don’t do anything all day but take pills, drink and look for men. Come on yall…this portrayal of women to the entire world diminishes the fact that there are driven, intelligent, morally sound women in the world who cherish their marriages enough to not cheat or (if they are single) respect themselves enough to not give up the cookie to every cookie monster they meet. The killer part is that someone will read this and think “it’s not the women in the media’s responsibility to set an example.” But truth be told…it IS their responsibility. I heard a story this past week about 2 girls in 5th grade who got into a fight at school. After the fight one of the girls wasn’t feeling so good, so she went home. Her mother didn’t think too much about it so she told her to lay down…little did her mother know that she had a blood clot in her brain due to “blunt force trauma”. The little girl slipped into a coma and soon after surgery died. They were fighting over a boy…the little girl’s death is being classified as a homicide. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it is the media’s fault for her death but I will say that we have to be way more adamant about presenting positive images in the world to counteract all of the buffoonery on TV. It really does take a village. It’s so painfully hard to be a God fearing, intelligent, black woman these days because everyone around wants us to be some gutter, ghetto, self proclaimed “bad bitxx”, ride or die, do anything for a man chick (so sick of rappers)…If you aren’t these things than you are considered bourgeois or a black snob. Well hell, I proclaim it…I am a BLACK SNOB!!!! I don’t mind being called that because I have morals and standards. I’ve never been one to settle for just anything or anybody…contrary to popular beliefs I know what I want and so do most women. My heart goes out to young women and I strive to constantly encourage and be the best example for those around me. I’m not gonna get on the race issue right now because even though our president is black, there’s still too much change needed to re-establish the pride and unity in our community.
2. What you NOT gon’ do is…be disrespectful!!!! These last few years with Pres. Obama in office have been some of the most openly disrespectful years for politicians as a whole. I have never seen people in office act so downright nasty towards a president. I am a true believer in RESPECT others even if you don’t agree with their ideas. Even media as a whole…the whole gossip websites, papers and TV shows have gotten OUT OF CONTROL. With the worldwide web we are a world of highly informed people…we can get almost any information from just a little typing. Which is very cool, but some things should stay respected and sacred. Such as pictures of deceased individuals. I didn’t want to see Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston or any other person dead in a picture. That is just dang disrespectful…people’s lives are precious and should be treated as such until they are buried. I see no reason to release such a painful image to the world. NO ONE WANTS TO KEEP SEEING THEIR MOTHER OR FATHER’S BURIAL IMAGE ON TV, NEWSTANDS OR WEBSITES!!! Just rude!!! It’s 2012 and everyone knows how not to be disrespectful. Hell we have built an entire world around being politically correct. So people like Rush Limbaugh, Don Imus or Bill O’Reilly need to stop acting like they didn’t know what they were saying….You did!!!! You just didn’t care who it offended. Yes we are a country who values freedom of speech but we are also a country of consequences because of your tacky disrespectful ways. This respect thing has been an issue everywhere. In one of my earlier post I mentioned my sister and I going into Target and being called Niggers by a random person in a truck…we did nothing to warrant that attention…but he felt the need to be disrespectful. (Side note: I still wish I hadn’t thrown my glass juice bottle away because I wanted to bust his window out…but God knew I didn’t need to lol). The great part about being on the receiving end of disrespect, in my case, I felt empowered enough not to react…yeah I wanted to bust his window but in reality I knew that me retaliating would give him too much of my energy…and I couldn’t do that.
3. What you NOT gon’ do is…Wear that!!!! Okay this portion is strictly about outer appearance. I tend to try to talk about character changes but as a plus size woman who loves fashion…I MEAN LOVES FASHION…I gotta speak on the horrendous decisions I see being made. This is for all woman all sizes…I have a few simple suggestions that have worked for women that I have styled. First, the only person that knows what size you have on is you!!! Basically, buy what fits because how it looks is so much more important than what the size is. If you have gained a couple pounds and you need to temporarily go up to a 12 instead of your usual 10, then do it. That way you can work out, lose the extra pounds but still look good. I can’t stand to see a woman who clearly needs an XL wear a medium. It pains me to think of how suffocated your body must feel. Trust me, after working many years in apparel retail, no one knows or cares what size you actually have on…just look spectacular in it. Now if you just cannot bring yourself to buy that size up, my second suggestion is go get some Lycra. There are too many variations of support in this world to not know how to flatten out some bumpy areas. Muffin top is inexcusable…strap it down. I’m not telling anybody to be skinny…because I’m not skinny. However, I am saying have on good supports and look your fiercest. That includes bras, panty girdles or full body girdles. Looking good in your clothes is important and my mantra over the years is “It’s all about illusions”. Yeah you may have a few extra pounds but smooth it out and put it in the right places. Don’t be ashamed to take the necessary precautions to look your best in your clothing. Now that we have talked about fit and support, lastly I want to discuss appropriateness. When you get a certain age, no matter how good you still look, you’ve gotta draw the line at some things. How you decide appropriateness is simple…just ask yourself a few questions. Such as….Does my child or children I know shop here? Have I worn this look 20 years ago? Did I get this look from someone famous? (We can’t do everything they do on TV/movies). What’s the weather like? Where will I be located? All of these questions are great because they allow you to assess your clothing options. Basically, I’m more than sick to death of seeing grown women in their daughter’s clothes. There is a way to be age appropriate, feminine and sexy…just ask my sisters!!!
There are so many more things that need to be added to this list but I will give it 3 more months and revisit this discussion. I’m quite sure the tom foolery will continue on way past today.
You Ain't Gotta Lie!!!!!
March 2nd, 2012
It is 2012, you are in your mid thirties and yet you’re STILL LYING to EVERYBODY!!!!! *NYC voice* Come on Son, Fahreal!!!! I’m very much over liars right now. Wait let me clear that up…I’ve never liked liars but it seems they are all over the place right now and I just can’t deal with it any more.
Since I was a child I told the truth!!! Even when I did something that I KNEW would result in punishment, I still did it and told the truth about doing it. I’ve never stolen anything and when I tried to lie, I would turn right around and admit the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to lie…but my thought is “what’s the point? “ My parent’s always told us “if you are big and bad enough to do it…own up to it.” Through my life’s journey, I have carried that concept around with me every day. And I must say that in the last couple of years leading into and now within my 30s the truth idea has taken over in an unthinkable way. I’m so honest with everyone, including myself, that sometimes I WISH I could lie. But I can’t…I don’t walk around just falling out of my face with commentary but if a friend ask for my opinion about a subject then I tell them the truth. Or if I decide to do some “grown woman” stuff and someone confronts me about it…then I woman up and tell the truth. I feel that no one can pass any judgment on me that would have a long term affect because I’m grown. As my mother says, “grown people do, what grown people want to do.”
My personal opinion is that as an adult, there is NO REASON to LIE. Live your life, enjoy your life but be man or woman enough to confront any issues that come along with it. I mean, I cannot stand sneaky, conniving people who live from day to day telling lie after lie. If it’s that dang serious for you to not want to be honest about it then just don’t say anything. I know people who carry on in life as if they don’t have any skeletons but as soon as bones start falling out of their overly stuffed closet they rely on a fairy tale of lies that they believe is convincing. Or my favorite is when they contact me to tell me the lie before I even know that they did something trifling. I really don’t care…so you ain’t gotta lie!!!!
For my cheaters out there, your lies are the worst. They’re non-stop and can grow to be so large that you can’t even believe your own imagination. If you are really unhappy in your relationship then separate from the person. Why be so dependent on a relationship that clearly does not satisfy you? I know people say that sometimes you just slip up but the best part about being a human is you can CONTROL your desires. Being that I respect relationships, I can’t stand when a man approaches me and he is already committed to someone. And if he lies about it and then I find out about his situation, to the door he must go…not matter how much I may have liked him. My philosophy is, how you got them, is how you will lose them. So stop cheating…man/woman up and decide to either be committed or move around.
Granted, I do understand that the truth can hurt but that’s why I try to study the art of diplomacy. There’s always a way to say something without killing someone’s spirit. I have been fortunate enough to learn from my past not-so diplomatic truth moments how to be more positive in my delivery. Because when I say “don’t lie”, I don’t mean walk around being a hateful person that ends every rude comment with “I’m just being honest”. That’s not a good excuse. You should be cautious in the transmission of your truth so that the receiver hears it and doesn’t block it out. Or if the truth is being sought about actions you made, be grown enough to except any consequences that come with your actions. Just stop the lies!!!!!
It is 2012, you are in your mid thirties and yet you’re STILL LYING to EVERYBODY!!!!! *NYC voice* Come on Son, Fahreal!!!! I’m very much over liars right now. Wait let me clear that up…I’ve never liked liars but it seems they are all over the place right now and I just can’t deal with it any more.
Since I was a child I told the truth!!! Even when I did something that I KNEW would result in punishment, I still did it and told the truth about doing it. I’ve never stolen anything and when I tried to lie, I would turn right around and admit the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to lie…but my thought is “what’s the point? “ My parent’s always told us “if you are big and bad enough to do it…own up to it.” Through my life’s journey, I have carried that concept around with me every day. And I must say that in the last couple of years leading into and now within my 30s the truth idea has taken over in an unthinkable way. I’m so honest with everyone, including myself, that sometimes I WISH I could lie. But I can’t…I don’t walk around just falling out of my face with commentary but if a friend ask for my opinion about a subject then I tell them the truth. Or if I decide to do some “grown woman” stuff and someone confronts me about it…then I woman up and tell the truth. I feel that no one can pass any judgment on me that would have a long term affect because I’m grown. As my mother says, “grown people do, what grown people want to do.”
My personal opinion is that as an adult, there is NO REASON to LIE. Live your life, enjoy your life but be man or woman enough to confront any issues that come along with it. I mean, I cannot stand sneaky, conniving people who live from day to day telling lie after lie. If it’s that dang serious for you to not want to be honest about it then just don’t say anything. I know people who carry on in life as if they don’t have any skeletons but as soon as bones start falling out of their overly stuffed closet they rely on a fairy tale of lies that they believe is convincing. Or my favorite is when they contact me to tell me the lie before I even know that they did something trifling. I really don’t care…so you ain’t gotta lie!!!!
For my cheaters out there, your lies are the worst. They’re non-stop and can grow to be so large that you can’t even believe your own imagination. If you are really unhappy in your relationship then separate from the person. Why be so dependent on a relationship that clearly does not satisfy you? I know people say that sometimes you just slip up but the best part about being a human is you can CONTROL your desires. Being that I respect relationships, I can’t stand when a man approaches me and he is already committed to someone. And if he lies about it and then I find out about his situation, to the door he must go…not matter how much I may have liked him. My philosophy is, how you got them, is how you will lose them. So stop cheating…man/woman up and decide to either be committed or move around.
Granted, I do understand that the truth can hurt but that’s why I try to study the art of diplomacy. There’s always a way to say something without killing someone’s spirit. I have been fortunate enough to learn from my past not-so diplomatic truth moments how to be more positive in my delivery. Because when I say “don’t lie”, I don’t mean walk around being a hateful person that ends every rude comment with “I’m just being honest”. That’s not a good excuse. You should be cautious in the transmission of your truth so that the receiver hears it and doesn’t block it out. Or if the truth is being sought about actions you made, be grown enough to except any consequences that come with your actions. Just stop the lies!!!!!
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