“{They} feel like they’re entitled to you upon their convenience.” ~M.M. Goode.
It’s 10pm do you know where your boyfriend is???? Oh you don’t? Well he’s on my phone complaining about you. I have a lot of guy friends and they are JUST THAT. There’s no intimacy, longing, wanting, or wishing for romantic feelings to blossom. Admittedly there is the occasional ex who has been placed in the friend zone because we started as friends and should have stayed as such. If we are understandably friends what is the problem, you ask? Well the problem is plain and simple, whether previously a person of my intimate affection or not, most guys can’t seem to grasp the concept of how to respect and reciprocate in a platonic relationship.
My phone is always on and available for an impromptu counseling session. There have been many times that I have had a phone conversation with one of my guy friends that lasted until late in the evening/early morning. They are bothered (but fronting) by their relationship, work related or family (baby momma) issues and they just need a friend to talk to about everything. I’m usually the recipient of such calls basically because (if I must say so myself) I’m a great listener and I have a great balance of men and women’s perspectives on life in general. However, I cannot stand when I get the middle of the night, been drinking, bored out of my mind, “What you doing? Nothing? Me either…(dead air)” phone calls. I mean don’t get me wrong, random phone calls can lead to great conversations but not in the middle of the night. Do you know why?!!! Well, I will tell you…I’M SLEEP, I’M SLEEP, I’M SLEEEEEEPPPP!!! Being awakened for absolutely no reason is by far one of my biggest pet peeves. Don’t call and hold the phone, pondering what to say just because there is no one else to call. Granted, I could turn off my phone but I shouldn’t have to. Just be courteous enough to know that if it’s not an emergency, it’s too late to call!! But do you know what type of guy friends are the worst at understanding this? The worst by far are…the exes.
Having an ex as a friend is the most difficult version of platonic friendship there is. Initially the transition from a couple to homies is frustrating. It’s mostly due to the fact that men tend to move on to the next situation without flinching. Whether the ending of your relationship was painful for him or not…my experience is that he will be on to the next chick in no time. Usually the friendship that was formed prior to the relationship is what will draw two exes back into each other’s lives. The problem with this set up is that the ex guy believes that he still has boyfriend privileges. For this situation to work, the woman has to stand by her decision to place him in the friend zone because guys have a tendency to be comfortable with gray areas. What is the gray area, you ask? The gray area basically consists of boyfriend privileges with friendboy consideration. Call whenever, text whenever, date whoever, say whatever and still want all of your attention with zero reciprocity. Ladies, stand your ground!!!! I don’t know how many times I have had to let an ex know that just because we have history does not automatically give you authority over my affections. As a matter of fact, once I have placed them in the friend zone the possibility of rekindling our relationship or the little flirtations that I used to act like were so cute have been blown up by a “not-a-chance” atom bomb.
Truth is…platonic friendships are super important but come on guys…show a little consideration. We are not here just for your sensibilities…RESPECT & RECIPROCATE…that’s all we ask.
P.S.To my guy friends…this post is not directed towards you because y’all are amazing friends and you KNOW better. LOL
October 1st, 2012
The Truth about “The NEWNESS”
One of my favorite male singing artists, Eric Roberson, has a song entitled “The Newness”. In this song he expresses the infatuation phase of a relationship. The first few months that involves all of the pleasantries of 2 people falling for each other. Every first eye glance, smile, hand held, hug, kiss, and moment is refreshing and sweet. All stories are new and worth hearing. It’s the feeling before the first real argument or before that person starts getting on your last good nerve. You go to sleep thinking about them and wake up reminiscing about all of the newness you’ve experienced thus far. The truth is, the newness is an amazing feeling and even though a real relationship will grow in all manner of levels…the newness can never be replicated. One of my favorite people happens to be going through this phase right now. She is enjoying it but hesitant about how much truth is embedded in the newness. Though this is a fun and beautiful phase of any relationship…there are some truths that are rarely addressed that I have experienced in the newness.
Truth #1…It doesn’t last forever. After a few months, the love dust settles and what remains is a relationship. Whether it’s successful or not depends solely on the 2 people involved but the one guarantee is that the newness will fade. In a good relationship, it’s doesn’t fade into a distant place never to be seen again…it just evolves into a deeper understanding of one another. It is replaced with a deep respect and love that has infinite growth possibility. However, in a not so good relationship, the newness is swallowed up by bitter, angry, mistrustful energy.
Truth #2…Everyone has a representative. In the early stages of the newness, you and your new partner are usually on your best behavior. Both parties tend to be subtle with words, well-mannered, caring and open to anything. Because you are presenting only the nicer parts of yourself, maintaining your perfectly cool self becomes more of a chore. There are some things that are innately you and are maintained throughout the relationship. Conversely, those things that are strongly monitored by your representative will begin to ooze out after a few weeks. For instance, I dated this guy and when we first began our situation he was articulate, would open doors, pull out chairs, and did the whole chivalry thing. I thought his actions would wane after a while but surprisingly they didn’t. However, his language became more colorful…to the point of me stating that he was using a lot more profanity. I guess he just got comfortable but in the comfort I realized he wasn’t as articulate as I thought. Honestly the representative is what keeps people in a dead end relationship. I know more people in unhappy relationships because they “remember when”. I have heard it time and time again, “He or She used to be so (fill in the blank) when we first got together” Well of course they used to be that because they were trying to be appealing to you…even at the cost of repressing themselves. The crazy part is some people get so caught up in being their representative that they lose themselves or they never have a substantial relationship because they leave the situation before their truth is visible. Don’t get me wrong, being on your best behavior is a great thing…it show’s maturity and lets the other person know how serious you are about investing into this new relationship. In regards to my favorite person’s hesitation I would have to say that most people are quite truthful in the newness. You just have to be cautious of the people who play the wolf in sheep’s clothing act.
Truth #3…Can’t be replicated with the same person. I want to preface this by saying this is based on MY experience. Once you’ve gone through the newness phase with a person, it cannot be revisited. I dated this guy off and on for 4 years. We would break up, make up, break up, make up and every time we made up we would have the “start from the beginning” conversation but it never felt like the beginning. Once you have become familiar with a person’s “crazy” it’s impossible to come back to the situation as if you’ve never met. I do believe that you can experience each other’s maturity and the relationship can grow but that newness feeling only last for the short time of your initial encounter. I will say that I could be totally wrong but as far as I’m concerned…I’M RIGHT LOL!!!
I must say, that though I’ve been through the newness phase numerous times…sometimes ending in hurt…I would never trade the experiences for anything.
July 16th, 2012
Are you bitter?
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I was sitting in my beautician’s chair having my sisterlocks tightened. When, as usual, the conversation of relationships emerged. This time it was a brotha starting the conversation and it began with him diagnosing a friend of his as being bitter due to mistreatment from his wife at home. Then he proceeded to make a very confident declaration about how he’d rather not be in a relationship but preferred the purchased time that he received from an exotic dancer (trying to be politically correct). So it made me think….wouldn’t that make him the lemonade calling the unsweetened tea bitter? (Y’all know I think I’m funny). Over the past few weeks I have had quite a few conversations and encountered many brothas and have come to a realization that the epidemic has taken a turn. No longer does the bitter black woman need to be downsized but the bitter black man is an ever growing population.
For many years black women have been lumped under the guise of loud mouth, attitude having, bitter heffas. In some cases it may be true but in most cases the women that I know to be deemed bitter are actually just cautious beings who have been hurt and don’t ever want to have to relive that pain again. So while being in heart protection mode, we get the stigma of bitter black women placed on us. As time has moved on and we have moved further down the societal marrying/relationship having totem pole, it has never been a secret that black men still thrive in love and life. So in an effort to come out from under this generalization, the sistas have evolved. Gaining education, becoming world travelers, loving ourselves, growing spiritually and letting love find us has been a few of the ways that the sisterhood has transformed. No more waiting for someone to do for us or being mad because Mr. Right has not appeared to sweep us off our feet…we are loving ourselves. Thus releasing that angry, bitter stamp from our beings.
Now on the flip side of it all, I have personally seen brothas go from nonchalant, unmoved players to emotionally disconnected bitter queens. I mean it’s a mess!!! During my one day in the salon I heard more grumbling, complaining and griping from the men about how women aren’t what they want them to be and I had to laugh. It became real apparent that the evolution of the sisterhood has left the brothas wondering where they fit into the equation. Well brothas if you want to know let me tell you. A motivated, driven woman desires a man who will love, support and protect her. REAL SIMPLE!!! Don’t be mad because we have discovered all girls’ vacays and true sister-friends that are soulmates. In this new discovery of ourselves we have not forgotten about you or intentionally tried to neglect you. So please…don’t feel like the only safe way for you to stay unscathed in a relationship is to go to the strip club and pay for Chardonnay’s attention…because truth is, she’s probably one of the most bitter women in the world but you would never know because as long as you pay…she will play.
July 15th, 2012
Nerdy guys are hot
When I was younger I loved a ruff neck. As a matter of fact Mc Lyte’s anthem to such brothas was one of my favorite songs. It was something about their straight forward approach, rebellious and ridiculously unfazed attitude to life. Thankfully after saying goodbye to those who had to leave the state or those who had to do a bid…I learned Thug love wasn’t for me. Thankfully I am the type of person that usually doesn’t make the same mistake twice. So through my years of maturing and learning more about myself my dating preferences have definitely changed. Truth is, I have run the gamut of personality traits of men…
The pretty guy - who is more concerned about his looks than his brain
The sexy guy - who wants to pleasure ALL women
The low self esteem guy - who can’t understand why I chose him
The selfish guy - who doesn’t care who else is in the world because it’s all about him
The clown guy - who takes nothing serious
The lying guy - who couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it
I have dated them all and then some but within the last few years it has become apparent to me that the one type of guy that my sister has always chosen is actually quite HOT!!!! Nerdy guys are super hot!!! I have met some very attractive nerdy guys in the last year and have been pleasantly surprised by their appeal. They typically are confident in their nerdiness, intelligent, always willing to teach me something new or learn something new from me, caring, sweet and fun. This may not be the case with all nerdy guys but for the ones that I have encountered they have been all these things and more. Even though they are hot and appealing, we don’t always work well together. I always believe that just because a guy is a good man doesn’t mean he’s the man for me. So I wait for the day when Mr. Right finds me but in the mean time….I wanted to send a shout out to my amazing nerdy guys with their Clark Kent swag.
July 11th, 2012
If Only For One Night
“What we shared was as sweet and as endearing as a forehead kiss. It was what I wanted. It was what I needed. He was a gentleman, and a friend, and I will always love him for that.” -The Best Man (1999)
This post is not what you’re thinking about. It’s not some one-night-stand confessional because that’s not what I do. It is, however, about a night that was just what I needed for confirmation that caring, considerate brothas still exist.
This past weekend I went to the wonderful Essence Music Festival in New Orleans, LA. It is by far one of my favorite summer vacation spots because there’s so much to encounter. From the food, music, parties, shopping, daytime forums and much more, it’s almost guaranteed that you will be on sensory overload by day 3. It is the kind of event that can entertain families, couples or singles. And as a single woman, it is a great all girls trip. Simply because there are always brothas there on an all guys trip. This one event has the appeal to draw single folks from all over and it is a great place to network and make new connections. As any girls trip goes, there is the simple rule “what happens here, stays here.” So needless to say, I will not be divulging too many details but I did want to express the renewal I experienced from a brief romantic encounter.
I met a guy…handsome, well dressed, beautiful eyes with a very sweet disposition. Yes, this was my assessment before we even said hello. (I’m very perceptive). The non-verbal flirtation began and ended when I said “Hi, how are you?” After a few minutes of discussing our who, what, why, when & where questions…he offered to let my sister-friend and I know what happenings may be going on during the weekend. I got his number and we parted ways. Within a short period of time we were texting and making plans to see each other in an hour or so. When the time came for us to meet up again, I was nervous. He was very sweet…we had good conversation, nervousness floated away and the entire evening was exactly what I needed it to be for my belief in romance to be restored.
Though I hate admitting it, I am a romantic-comedy watching, love story reading, love poetry writing person. Through all of my tough outer shell, I have a very soft heart. Not many people get to experience it because I keep it protected and locked away. But every now and then, I meet a person who I feel comfortable enough with to outwardly express my softer side. In those instances I’m reminded how amazing romance is. Romance is a multi-faceted thing and it can involve all senses collectively or individually. I am such a self assured person that I tend to forget how important these moments are. So as I reflected on the beautifully unexpected evening, I concluded that it’s okay to be reminded of your beauty and softer side. I tend to fight that fact because I pride myself on being some superhero strong black woman archetype but truth is, all women need to have that opportunity to let our guard down and be romanced…like Luther said IF ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT!!!
Battle Tactic: Maintain Military Silence
Since I am a very direct person, I truly can’t stand playing games when dating. But since dating has become more like a war field and I have to go through each relationship as if it is one battle after another…I say let the games begin.
I have a very good relationship with my parents. We tend to talk about a lot of things most people wouldn’t discuss with their folks. This past Sunday was one of those days. My father, who when asked why his nickname is ‘Beauty’ responds “Look at me”, has always kept it very real with my sister and me. I can remember way back in junior high and high school, he would tell me not to call boys because “If he wants to talk to you, he will call you.” well I thought he was just being old fashioned and unreasonable. Turns out his pearls of wisdom were on point and have been the foundation for which I base many of my dating standards upon. In the near future I will share the many lessons that I have learned from my father but today I will share a battle winning strategy that was derived from his lessons.
Lesson: “Choose your battles.”
It is a wide open lesson that many strategies can come out of, but the main strategy I learned was MAINTAIN MILITARY SILENCE. How did this battle winning tactic come from this lesson? Well, I’m glad you asked. The concept of choosing your battles means that every issue in your relationship should not put you on the war path…because every issue does not require a fight. Case in point, the guy I’m dating begins to show signs of the BS (boomerang syndrome: previous post). He’s not calling regularly, suggest outings when HE feels like it and becomes increasingly inconsistent. Initially, I take a moment and calmly discuss this change in his behavior. Most of the time this would bring some sort of apology and perhaps a brief turn around in his actions. Then it would start all over again. In my early dating years, my first reaction to his continuous shenanigans would be to go off on him. Being screamed at is a reaction most men expect from an upset woman because they tend to think we all run on emotions. Well, I quickly learned that losing my cool was my way of losing the battle. That is when my screaming tactical method changed to silence.
I learned that the best way to be in control of an argument is not to argue. I have truly mastered this technique and have guided a few friends through this simple form of fighting. It occurred to me that because the guy assumed I was going to lose it, he prepared himself. In so many words, he knew what weapon I would use and guarded himself from it. However, when I got to the point that I just didn’t answer calls to hear the excuses for his disappearing act, make myself available for dates when he felt like it or lose my cool about his BS, then he became concerned about WHY I’m not reacting as he expected. I was intentionally throwing his defensive method off. Over the years as I have perfected this rarely used by women tactic I love the reaction more and more. Usually this shifts the tables and the man begins to call more and want to see you more because if you aren’t paying them attention you MUST be paying someone else attention. Usually, when going through a battle with one man, I’m not moving on to some other man. Mostly because I try to take a break between each of my situations and adding another person to my life while in an emotional war is not a good starting point.
I will warn you, it’s a difficult tactic to implement but once it’s started and you stick with it, it becomes easier and easier. Maintaining military silence is not a form of punishment…you don’t use it to manipulate someone. It is solely for the purpose of controlling yourself in a relationship and your reactions to issues in the relationship. When you apply this technique during an argument for the purpose of getting your way…you are being manipulative. However, when you start to notice that you are losing your true self and settling for improper treatment from a man who doesn’t seem to care that he’s hurting you…this technique will bring out all truth. Bringing silence into the situation will either show that he wants to work things out or that he is ready to move onto something else. This works because without having a “we need to talk” discussion, his reaction to your action will let you know where he stands. In seeing his reaction, you can decide the fate of the relationship. By maintaining military silence, you gain clarity in your relationship, strength from your silence and true knowledge of yourself. Leaving you with the CONTROL to sever ties with those who just want to play games or build a successful relationship with the one who’s finished playing games. Either way, you’ve won the battle.
June 25th, 2012
“Good Dude” Perspective
There’s nothing in this world that I love more than seeing a loving relationship. Okay, that’s a little dramatic but the hopeless romantic inside of me definitely loves seeing other people grow in loving relationships. One of my favorite parts about these relationships is hearing the story of how it came to be. More times than not, the man will say that he knew that the woman was “the one” shortly after they began dating. I particularly love when the guy says, “I never thought I’d be married because even though I was a ‘good dude’…women never wanted to be with me.” A good dude, huh? If I had a dime for every guy that has made this statement …I think I would be able to purchase the limited edition Alexander McQueen wedge heels that I want. Don’t get me wrong there are some good brothas out there who are having a hard time dating but let’s be honest, not all of them are as good as they believe.
After recalling previous conversations with several of the homies (male & female) who claim they are “good dude” qualified or know guys who are “good dudes” the standard requirements seem to be the following:
· Intelligent
· Well groomed
· Gainfully employed
· (When in a relationship) faithful
· Good conversationalist
· Honest
· Romantic
· Respectful
Hopefully I didn’t miss anything but all in all these things are what my homies believe a “good dude” is. Not to discredit anyone or argue that the afore mentioned traits are definitely at the core of what makes a good dude but I would like to explore the definition a little further.
One of my self – proclaimed “good dudes” constantly blames the fact that women like bad boys and not nice guys on the reason he has yet to meet the one but being that I know him, that’s not entirely the case. See, one of the most common mistakes made by “good dudes” is not seeing/acknowledging their flaws. Like the fact that this particular friend is territorial over all women he has ever dated, likes to be right, is a tad bit too close to his mother and somewhat self involved. Or the fact that he likes women and though he’s faithful when in a relationship…he has no problem sowing oats when single. (I’m tryna be nice lol). Does he posses the standard requirements of a good dude? YES. Is that the reason for his unstable love life? I don’t think so.
Another one of my “good dudes” says that women tend to misconstrue his natural ability to be chivalrous for flirtations and usually try to date him. He also stated that most women he dates tend to want to “husband” him when he clearly states from the beginning that he’s not looking for a wife. Okay…his statements all by themselves inspired my post today because of several reasons. I could be so wrong about this but not many women will boldly ask a man out on a date without some sort of indication that he is interested. Now granted, my usual philosophy on dating is, if he’s interested then he will ask but on those rare occasions that I was bold enough to suggest coffee, I only did so because there was an indication. So his statements seemed a little faulty to me because chivalry can be executed without flirtation. I have had the door opened for me before and there was no hint of flirtation in the action. My personal opinion is that he adds the flirtation to the gentlemanly action so that he can gain the woman’s attention. Like a woman who wears tight clothing…it’s not for comfort but for attention. Acting as such is quite misleading. This leads me to his second statement about women that he has dated or is dating wanting to put him on lock. Knowing him as I do, I am aware that he has a tendency to date women who are at the stage in life where she wants to settle down with a good man and live happily ever after. As if on cue, he walks into her life doing and saying all of the right things but anything more than a dating commitment he can’t offer. Yes he states it at the beginning of the relationship that marriage is not on the agenda…but it makes me wonder…why would you start such a promising situation to just stifle it to a comfortable place for YOU and only you? It seems quite selfish to me because once he has stated that there will be no growth past his comfort zone, the woman has only one choice…to move on to other options. A woman, who doesn’t understand that you can’t change a man, will patiently wait for his change to come…but it never does. Does he have “good dude” standard requirements? YES. Is he misleading and unbending? Absolutely.
Even though I’m highlighting their imperfections, I must confess that these guys are good brothas. I just wanted to reevaluate the idea of the “good dude” perspective. There are too many men being lumped into this “good dude” category that definitely don’t belong. For instance, I was reading a gossip blog and the article was about some reality TV show star’s drama with her ex man (who is now happily married to another reality TV show star). The issue was that when the two exes were together the relationship was volatile and abusive…but in the same breath she said “he’s a good dude, I just didn’t bring out the softer side of him”. All I could think is “UMMM no Low-Self-Esteem Sally… he is not a good dude”. Any man that has been abusive (physically, sexually, or mentally) will never (in my book) be a good dude. He can change and become a better person…yes…but his core is sullied. Bottom line…be more cautious of who you call a good dude. Acting like a “good dude” and BEING a “good dude” are two totally different things. You can dress a lion in human clothing but at the end of the day when it is hungry, that lion will still eat you up.
June 22nd, 2012
Side-Chick: Part 1
My sister and her friends have this “question of the day” email/text that they send. It’s addressed to successful men and women who are single and enjoying life. Typically the questions span from the infamous “does size matter” to “what’s the difference between sexy and beautiful/handsome?” The individuals in this cipher are so intelligent that before answering such questions they must know more details…so that they can offer an “educated” response and not an “emotional” response.
Well last week the most controversial question of the day was “who’s to blame when someone cheats: The cheater, the cheated on or the side-chick?” The answers were very diverse but were all coming from emotional I’ve-been-in-this-situation places. So in the diversity of the answers the one common thought was that the mistress should not bear any responsibility for her part in the infidelitous tryst. (Side note: for the sake of answering from a woman’s perspective, the cheater in my response is a man…don’t get mad, I know women cheat too and probably more often than men.) My sister, who is the older more eloquent version of me, said what I’m about to say but in a much nicer way. When the question was posed to me, my response was if the side-chick was knowledgeable of his wife then her behind is just as much to blame. Then the question of whether or not the side-chick should be called a “home wrecker” because she didn’t necessarily cause the problem in her bedmate’s marriage. My answer simply was, “when a ship hits an iceberg, isn’t the iceberg called a ship wrecker?” Ponder that for a second…LOL. But seriously, to me it’s inexcusable for a woman to play blameless to a lie in which she played a willing part. The usual statement is that since the man is the one that is married all responsibility falls on him because he is the one who made the commitment. In my opinion that is not completely true. Not to say that the wife should stalk and retaliate on the side-chick but it is to say that embarrassment and guilt for being deceptive to another human being should be shared. Clearly these individuals with no remorse have no working moral compass.
Side-chicks accept this position for a variety of reasons. One of the most popular reasons is competition…which stems from low self esteem. Obviously their self image is marred and they feel that belittling someone else or taking what seems like a “good man” from another woman is their way of showing the world that they TOO deserve a “good man” like him. Ironically, when they have him, they don’t truly want him…and more times than not, the men feel the same way. Their foundation is assembled one insecure piece at a time. It is held together by the idea of fooling the world and getting away with it…but the second that light is shined on their mess it falls apart. Truthfully, who wants to deal with that inevitable collapse except for Low-Self-Esteem havin’, Side-Chick Sally?
Like most people, I have been cheated on before but I have never been the cheater or knowingly the side-chick. Why, you ask? Well, there are a few reasons such as I’m not attracted to unavailable men, I don’t like lying, I don’t like sharing (food, clothes or men), but the main reason is…YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW. It’s a basic, commonsensical principle…whatever actions/energy you put out in the world is what will be returned to you. Go ahead and get yours…manipulate, lie and cheat do all the deceiving things you want to but understand…when you least expect it, the same behavior will be done to you.
April 6th, 2012
Maybe I Prefer
VS
Just got off the phone with one of my guy friends…and we always have these interesting conversations about relationships. Well today’s meeting of the minds included a conversation and confession about dating outside of our race. *eyebrow raise*
It started with me confessing about the 1 time I dated a white guy…in the middle of the story it occurred to me that there wasn’t just 1. I had dated 2…I laughed so hard because how could I forget either one of them when both were really nice guys. Neither one of the guys were forgettable, but neither situation lasted long enough to be more than brief memories. So in my defense…I must say I was in college + it was short lived = placement in the recesses of my mind. So after my confession my friend proceeded to tell me that I was wrong for not seeing if more could come out of either situation. I basically expressed that neither had my full attention because even though we got along great and they were both good looking guys…I wasn’t physically attracted to them. They both were pretty tall, one played football at an HBCU so he was really “down” and the other just preferred sistas…so he too had a lot of understanding about the culture but when I was out with either one of them…I did not have the urge to kiss them. To me, kissing is important because it’s very intimate and personal. With both guys I just wasn’t attracted to them like that. More confessing…I did kiss the football player once…but that was the only time and the earth did not move. I remained friends with both of them throughout my college career but never revisited the idea of building something more because it was clear to me…I like CHOCOLATE MEN!!!! While my friend on the phone continued to try and guilt me for not building more with either guy…I quickly reminded him that he HIMSELF has not and does not date outside of his race. Why doesn’t he, you ask…well, because he loves CHOCOLATE WOMEN!!!! See people can be attractive but that doesn’t mean you are attracted to them. Like for instance, Jude Law is fine but he is definitely not my Hollywood crush…on the other hand just seeing Idris Elba straighten his shirt in a movie makes me drool.
I’m not trying to make this a black and white thing…I just want it to be understood that being a single women cannot be fixed by opening yourself up to EVERY option. I have read numerous articles from relationship experts, life coaches and journalists stating that the best way to find “the one” is to widen your spectrum to other races. I agree that it will provide a larger pond to fish from…but it also means a larger number of bad fish you have to throw back. I prefer the idea of waiting for God to send me the right one…because it’s a lot of crazy people in this world and I don't need to be featured on 20/20 or Dateline. So if he comes in a chocolate or vanilla package…it’s okay…as long as he comes with God. (short prayer: LORD, I WOULD PREFER CHOCOLATE).
For those who find love outside their race…I commend and congratulate you. For me…I’ll just wait on God!!!
March 30th, 2012
Beware of a Beautiful Tragedy
There is a term I use to describe many women of today…BEAUTIFUL TRAGEDY. She walks into a room with her hair in place, makeup flawless, blemish free skin, curvy in all the right places and clothing fitting every inch. All of the people see her, many of the men lust for her and yet she stands there like a porcelain figurine feeling invisible. She is so aesthetically beautiful that you miss the flaws. Her main focus is on being seen and she has a tapeworm for men with money and status. Even though she is intelligent, she down plays her accomplishments to seem less threatening to men. She seems to be in full control of her flirtations and conversations as she works the room. Her confidence is convincingly real and seems very strong. So much that these types of women are usually hard to detect but one of the easiest ways to locate a true beautiful tragedy is by just watching her work a room.
Usually, if you look longer than a second you notice the lifelessness of her eyes and the seemingly flawless complexion is actually quite dull. Her moves from one end of a room to another become predictable. She’s never truly interested in one person, so she doesn’t engage in any lengthy conversation that will require her REAL attention. The scripted conversation that she works from is the same for each and every person. Male or female, she will effervesce and flirt as to gain some sort of rapport. Typically she has no loyalty to anyone but herself because she truly can’t trust anyone but herself. And why should she be able to trust anyone? She has connived and lied to every “friend” that she has had. But don’t get it twisted…she’s never by herself because she knows how to make new friends. People are drawn to her false sense of dependability and loyalty…until they figure out her truths. What truths you ask? The truths that she can never be a real friend, no one is exempt from her lies and all that she honestly cares about is herself.
In my lifetime, I have been acquainted with only a few beautiful tragedies and because of my perceptiveness, never encountered any real hurt from any of them. Basically, once you spot this individual, you take them with a grain of salt. Don’t feed into their insanity because their venomous attitude can seep into your being and cause great damage. Don’t think your positive attitude can have a genuine, renewing effect on them. Don’t invest any more than they do, because they may take advantage of you. Overall, don’t try to change them because these types of women are so emotionally damaged that the only way for them to change is with God’s help. And truth be told, they don’t trust HIM either.
March 7th, 2012
The Passion We Shared
One mother’s day a few years back I realized that I had more in common with my grandmother than I ever knew. For many years the only thing I thought we had in common was my mother. That reason alone was enough for me to love her without any question and no matter how unbending she could be about things at times, the longer I lived the more I loved her.
I remember the first time I ever felt like she understood me. It was one Christmas, I was still in high school…probably about 16 years old and as always we were visiting her and my great-grandmother for the holidays. During this time, I thought I was too cute and I was in the early stages of understanding my passion for fashion…so, I didn’t just wear clothes…oh no, it was an ENSEMBLE. From head to toe, makeup and hair…never would I leave the house without my LOOK together. I was so daring in my fashion statements that I would wear very uncommon colors of eye makeup and lipstick (purple, green, blue, silver)…it was my thing!!! Well, my grandmother was not the kind of woman to buy things that were not a necessity (socks, underwear, nightgowns etc.) and by this age I had become so accustomed to her gift giving style that I got excited every Christmas because (even though my parents supplied undergarments) I knew I was getting NEW stuff!!!! But wouldn’t you know it, this particular year as I’m opening my gift wondering what my new night gown, socks and undies were going to look like…it was nothing of the sort in the box. Instead it was a briefcase style makeup kit…with what seemed to be endless eye shadows, blushes, lipsticks, lip pencils and sooooo much more. Like anything that was needed for a full make up consultation was in this briefcase!!! I was so surprised…I mean, I could not believe my practical grandmother bought me something that encouraged my passion. My astonished reaction was very obvious and I remember feeling for the very first time that she GOT me. I’m sure she never knew how much that simple gesture affected me but it truly allowed me to indulge further into my passion. From that day on, any makeovers I did on my friends were completed with a full makeup consultation lol (sometimes I miss high school).
See my perception of my grandmother was basically that she was a God fearing woman, who worked hard, loved her family and didn’t take ANY crap. She was very proper in her approach to people and life in general. Education was important and so was self-sufficiency. I learned from her example how to BE a lady at all times, respect myself and BE respected. In our 29 years together, she taught me so much…most times without even saying it. For those who knew her…yeah she was hard at times but everything she did was founded in love.
Some years ago, on mother’s day, I was a little strapped for cash but I wanted to get her something. At the time I was very much into writing poetry, so I decided what better gift than to write a poem (side note: still love poetry, just don’t have the time). I gave her the poem and she smiled…but the best part about her reaction to the poem was that she said to me “I see you love words too”. It wasn’t until that exact moment that I realized we shared a commonality…a passion. I have carried that one statement around with me all this time and even though she’s gone, it has encouraged me to indulge in OUR passion as often as I can.
I miss you Ms. Eula Lee James-Jackson!!!
February 29th, 2012
Boomerang Syndrome (aka The BS)
This was supposed to be my very first entry on tumblr but I had to wait. I wanted to make sure that I presented this idea in a manner that would convict those guilty of this sickness and maybe even encourage them to be more cautious in their acts.
What is boomerang syndrome? It is an illness that plagues both men and women. Those who are infected tend to be noncommittal individuals who like to float in and out of your life. They are fast paced in their initial contact, swift at their retreat and strongly focused on their return. JUST LIKE A BOOMERANG!!!
The initial contact, with the afflicted ones, is quite pleasant and enjoyable. See, in phase 1 of their sickness, they are great first impressionists. They know how to hold your attention and also how to pay attention. They want to know your passions, fears, intimate thoughts, happy times, pains and anything else that will guide them closer to your heart. Typically, within the first 2 weeks you have spent an exorbitant amount of time together. Whether it’s over the phone or face to face, you’re just always together. Now, don’t get me wrong, this can be a great start to a happy relationship…nothing wrong with good chemistry from the start…but the next 2 phases are what determines if a person is really down for YOUR cause or if they are infected by the BS.
When there is a true connection with a person, the next phases of a relationship will mature into something so brilliant and happy that everyone around you will see it. But with the BS patients, phase 2 goes a little something like…slow to no phone calls…face to face interaction ceases…none of your friends have a chance to put a face with the name you’ve been saying for 2 weeks because they have simply and quickly vanished. Better than a magician, these infirmed individuals can disappear into the world as if they never really existed. Their disappearing act usually leaves you questioning yourself. Wondering if you said something or did something wrong…fortunately, you only have 2 weeks’ worth of interaction so the thought process doesn’t take too long. From my experience, their disappearing act is so good that at some point you stop questioning if you did something wrong and start questioning if the person was a figment of your imagination. You go through several stages, such as sadness, hurt, anger, even romanticizing …but then finally you just let it go.
There are plenty of people with the disappearing act stories but phase 3 is the final determinant of whether a person is suffering from the BS. This phase usually occurs when you have completely stopped thinking about the individual. I personally hate this phase and am very vocal to the afflicted about how much I can’t stand it. For those who don’t know this phase, the BS patient usually floats back on the scene either through text, email, instant messaging or a social networking site. They typically take these routes just to gauge your attitude towards them. It is very rare for them to call because they really don’t want to hear you scream at them if you are still angry. Once they determine your temperature towards them is not as hot as they thought it would be, they will suggest a phone conversation. This measure is a further check into your attitude towards them and also to provide their story as to why they had to suddenly leave. Now, when I was in my late teens to mid twenties, most BS patients gave great, thought out, almost excusable stories….but these days, I’m getting the shoulder shrug, “don’t dwell on the past”, “my bad, but I really want to be with you” type of responses. This cracks me up because in this phase I’m usually not entertaining any of their conversation. I’m not the type of person to yell, curse and scream…so my reaction to their reappearing is quite unemotional and flat. The only time I let them have it is when they try to have an attitude because I don’t roll out the red carpet and welcome them back to my life. CHILE PLEASE!!!!
This is just a PSA for those who have never encountered these sick individuals. Since phase 3 is the easiest way to tell if a person is infected, make sure you decide early in their reappearance if you are willing to take a chance with them. Be very careful with how you react in phase 3 because these ill minded BS patients will float in and out as much as possible. Like any other illness, they will wear down your immune system and can possibly infect you. Their behavior can easily become YOUR behavior…be very careful.
February 28th, 2012
Soulmates
“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.” - Candace Bushnell “Sex and the City”
Sometimes I just wish Bravo or VH1 would actually create a show with women on it that love each other…hell, it’d be nice if they just LIKED each other. I really get tired of seeing shows that focus on the negative side of female relationships. Truthfully, if you put a group of mature women together that really care about and are truly connected to one another then you wouldn’t have shows like Basketball Concubines…I mean Basketball Wives. Literally, in the last few years, the positive image of girlfriends has been completely wiped off of television. I mean, I get it…those shows are about entertaining the masses but on some real stuff…it’s just ignorant. Refusing to spend too much energy on the subject of these television acquaintances…I will simply say this…most real woman wouldn’t continue to involve themselves in the ridiculous antics that are displayed on “reality” shows. More common than not, women have relationships like the scripted television shows Living Single, Sex and the City and Girlfriends (all are favorites of mine). I mean, I remember a time where the world was about sisterhood and women’s empowerment….now, everyone is about SELF.
Typically the word soulmate is thought of as only pertaining to a romantic relationship but to me it has much more versatility. If you ask any of my friends they will tell you that I’m a hopeless romantic who watches sappy movies and cries every time someone professes their love to “the one” because I whole-heartedly believe in romantic soulmates. My personal definition of a soulmate, in general, is a person who you connect with on a spiritual and emotional level. They don’t judge but they counsel…they don’t lie or manipulate but they give you the TRUTH…They don’t fight with you but they know how to agree to disagree…they don’t knock you down but they are overly supportive…they don’t hate but they surround you with love. A true soulmate relationship is reciprocal…there is harmony and balance. I’m fortunate to have girlfriends who are all these things and so much more. So even though I’m still waiting on my “one true love”…I already have soulmates in my life.
A true soulmate sistership usually involves a lot of conversations, dinners, shopping, congratulating, crying, disagreeing, praying, and sometimes just plain ol’ being quiet together. Honestly, I don’t have very many girlfriends, period. But the ones that I do have I consider to be my soulmates. Don’t get me wrong, I can hang out and be cool with any group of women but I’m careful with who I call a soulmate simply because it’s a huge responsibility. It requires an extreme level of trust and I purposely don’t allow many people near my soul. I know that when my sisters read this, they will know that I am speaking directly to them. I have never said any of this to any of them…but I truly love my sisters. We call each other sister for a reason and it’s not just because we get along….but it’s because we have a bond that is innate and organic. Some of my soulmates have been down with me since birth and some blossomed over a short time in more recent years. My main soulmate has been with me since birth…and that dude is my RIDE OR DIE foreal…(love you FfaNY).
I’m writing all of this basically to say that contrary to what “reality” television depicts, most women have healthy, happy, humor-filled sisterships that are drama free!!!!
So…ladies and gentlemen…raise your glasses!!!! I would like to propose a toast to my SOULMATES. From beginning to end, you ladies inspire, encourage and amaze me. I love each of you for reasons you know and some that you don’t know. I can’t imagine going through my next stages of life without you all…so here’s to a lifetime together.
January 26th, 2012
Haters
While talking to a friend about my best friend’s wedding, he asked if (because I am a single woman) I have hater moments during weddings. Quickly I responded “No, for what?” My bestie deserves the love she has. She and her husband have built a relationship that was meant just for them. I could not see either one of them in a happier relationship. In my personal opinion, they are a true representation of soul mates. He went on to explain that he asked because one of his ex girlfriends would have massive internal, slightly visible, pouting induced, tantrums at any marital events. From engagement parties to receptions, she hated every step of the way. I laughed because I too know women and men who have sour dispositions when it comes to seeing a successful relationship. In a broader view, they are disapproving in all levels of another person’s success.
His question got my analytical wheels turning. Really, what is the point of hating on someone else’s successes? As plain and simple as I can say it….I don’t want theirs, I want MINE. As we all know, for every new level in life, there are obstacles, mistakes and some confusion. The last thing anyone wants to deal with is a negative person’s opinion of who, what, why and how you achieved your victory. I try to be encouraging to everyone around me. In doing so, it helps me continue on my path to greatness.
Just recently my motivational skills were tested. My mom, sister and I had the difficult task of communicating to a family member that their life has gone way past spiraling out of control into the beginning stages of a self destructing demise. Anytime you have to show someone themselves, you have to be very careful for them to be receptive. With such a task, we had to walk a fine line between dogmatic and aloof. With God’s help, by the end of the conversation, we could see the dying light within my family member become a little brighter. See, I feel that when you love or care about people, killing their spirit is the last thing you want to do. This is the “heart beat” of a true hater.
I hear people say “I let my haters be my motivators” but to me haters are just “self-elevators”. They are inconsequential beings who have absolutely no effect on my hustle. If I ever had or have a hater I wouldn’t know because in my life they are obsolete. They are neither a deterrent nor determinant. In fact, my favorite thing to say about an opposer’s opinion is "Ask me if I care” because truth be told, I don’t. Do words hurt? Yes! Do I carry around other people’s opinions? NO!!!! Unfortunately, haters surround us every day. Haters come in all shapes and sizes. More often than not, they are family members or “friends”. They span from the top of the economic chain to the bottom. Typically they are misguided individuals, who have little to no ambition for more than what life has given them. Though there are those who are quite successful but they only went through the troubles of becoming successful to gloat. They have a great fear of the unknown and thrive off of emotional slayings. Haters have no rhyme or reason to their venomous commentary. From an innocent child to a famous person, they will provide some unwarranted, negative rhetoric that is only used to do one thing…make them feel better about themselves. For me, I prefer my congratulators.
My congratulators, or as my sister says “cheerleaders”, keep me afloat. They don’t judge, discourage or lie to me. They are people who stand with me and provide an emotional ovation to all my victories. And as I think about it, maybe I don’t know if I have ever had a hater because my congratulators took care of them for me. In turn, I try to do the same for them. Just to be clear, I am not writing this to discourage anyone from using the hate they receive as motivation but keep in mind that a congratulator is a catalyst that can provide a more stable path on your way to success.
So I want to send a special love shout out to all my congratulators…no names needed, because you know who you are!!!! The hustle never stops!!!!!
November 25th, 2011
Beautiful Surprise...NOT
The other shoe dropped….Here goes the story of why I’ve been M.I.A for 2 weeks.
A few months back a co-worker of mine who met the love of her life/husband on a dating website encouraged me to check it out. So I joined a dating website in the hopes of meeting a nice brotha with “the one” potential. I have been on and off of this site for about 6 months and in this time have failed to meet anyone with any potential at all!!!! Either they were on there to try to get some booty or they were too old or they were too picky…either way, they have all been LAME!!!
But 2 weeks ago, to my surprise, I met someone who I thought was a breath of fresh air. Someone so caring and endearing that it seemed tangible. We intially communicated strictly through email because I didn’t feel comfortable giving out my phone number. After a few days I gave him my number and instantly, we seemed to click. Similar interest in music, movies and life in general but there was still a small uneasy feeling in my gut. You know that feeling like, you are a little too perfect. I know I said before that if it’s too good to be true then maybe it is that good…but that is clearly in rare situations. Not only was he too good to be true, but he was so bad that very little that he said was true. I will say that this entire time there has been some apprehension and some questions that he never would answer. Leading me to be somewhat withdrawn and constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop. But I had no idea the truth would be so remarkably different from HIS “truth”.
Well just 1 hour ago, every question I had was answered!!! His baby momma/girlfriend of 11 years called!!!! The story goes like this…he goes onto the website, meets women, (i’m not the first, last or even current ONLY one), is charming and tells them/us all types of stuff…hell he even travels wherever they are….while she is at home with their 7 going on 8 children. He lies about his relationship status, his job, his car, his house, and the worst of all, his children. Of course when I found out, I was shaking mad. The BM/GF was very nice and understanding about my position in this situation…I HAD NO CLUE!!!!! NONE!!!!! She tried to call him on 3-way but he didn’t pick up because while she was texting me, I was talking to him and I asked who the number belonged to…needless to say, he rushed off the phone. So when she tried to call, he didn’t pick up…lol funny huh!!!! And just now, he text me…guess he wants to see where my head is…but I have nothing to say to him.
I can see that from time to time he may need or want to escape the realities of 7 going on 8 children and a live in girlfriend…but are you SERIOUS????!!!! It was your choice to keep having babies and your decision to stay in that situation. Do Not Involve me or any other woman for that matter in your crazy fairy tale land. Be a man and accept the path you chose!!!! MAN UP!!!!
This goes out to all of the conniving, cheating men out there…if you don’t like your situation then move around…but don’t keep making babies and laying up with all sorts of random women…so sick of sorry men!!! I have more respect for a SINGLE man who has 7 children than a man who lies about only having 1 child but really has more plus a wifey at home. COWARD!!!!!
To say the least I am quite Thankful that this was only a 2 week ordeal and I found out the truth at the end of the day. Do I need to talk to him for closure?…HELL NO!!!! At the end of it all…I will always remember God Got Me and to TRUST MY GUT!!!!!
Back to Grind MODE!!!!!!
November 10th, 2011
not a day...but a week
This has by far been one of the most challenging 7 days this year!!!! Basically it started with my small group last week. We are having bible study on the many phases of faith and dreams!!! Fantastic study so far but it really has me pondering my dreams, purpose and the amount of work I have put towards them. I’m always in my head so, unlike some people, it has been hard to shut this thinking off. Night and day…it just doesn’t stop. Needless to say, sleeping has been quite impossible.
On top of that…one of my favorite great-uncles passed away. You can never be ready for the passing of a loved one. No matter how old or how ill they are…you’re never prepared. He was a big, beautiful man…I remember loving him when I was little girl. Uncle Odree was funny and sweet and always loved ME. It just seems like the months of November through January are the hardest because I have lost so many different loved ones. Just when I’d thought the HOLIDAY death thing was over…it happened again. In my head and heart I really want to come up with a way to restore this holiday for my living family…because each holiday seems to become less celebratory and more obligatory. *pray for me*
Also, this week 2 icons in the black community and the entertainment industry as a whole passed away. Championship boxer Joe Frazier and Hip hop mogul Heavy D, born Dwight Arrington Myers. I must admit that the passing of both men was a huge blow to the world but the death of Heavy D hit me in a different place.
I have been a hip hop lover since I understood what hip hop was and Heavy was a huge inspiration to me. Being a little chunky girl who loved to dance, beat box and rap who better to influence me than the Overweight Lover. Man, the way he just embraced his physical appearance…loved himself and made it so that others had to love him too…simply admirable. The best part is that he was so talented…and he used his talents in various avenues. From being an amazing artist, to acting, to record exec and so much more. His last tweet was “Be Inspired” and truthfully, I AM.
NOW…on top of all of these personal issues, I was also dealing with the managerial responsibilities at work, which added to my crazy week. But last night, one of my favorite future millionaires called me stressing out about college. She is this amazing young woman, named Caroline, who has so much potential you can see it in her aura. I mean, literally, it surrounds her. But she is heading for the next level of life, higher education. Needless to say, she is freaking out about the unknown. So when she called I was prepared to just listen and give her a surface response of “it’ll be fine”. But GOD will speak even when you don’t FEEL like speaking. After, she went through her worry rant, I don’t remember everything I said but I know at the very moment, I let God use me to encourage her. In the middle of me encouraging her, I encouraged myself. Once I got off the phone with her, my heavy load that I had been carrying for 7 days, literally lifted. I didn’t feel it anymore…I just felt an indescribable, overwhelming peace. Something I didn’t expect to feel anytime soon.
So I’m saying ALL of this to say that no matter the issue, no matter the problem, no matter how low or sad you feel…NEVER forget GOD’S GOT YOU!!!! Stay encouraged because He has a divine plan just for you!!!!!
November 2nd, 2011
WTH Happened??!!!
I meet a man…beautiful man…we have a great time together…conversation is bountiful…attraction is astronomical and we confess that we can’t stop thinking about the other. When we’re in each others presence, it feels like everything around us is moving at a quick pace but we are in slow motion, enjoying every millisecond spent together. We spend much of our day talking on the phone or texting and when we get off of work, we are ready to see each other. Just as I am opening up and unveiling that ultimate layer of myself…the part of me that is hidden so deep within, it rarely shows itself to others…he retreats…just disappears. No more calls, no more hang out sessions, no more dates…just vanishes. My only thought is…REALLY??!!!! What the HELL JUST HAPPENED?
This situation is very common for single people everywhere. I'm sure it’s not just a "me" thing. I mean, okay, you may just not have been that "into" me…I get it. But don't initiate romance and then drop it like “oops, didn’t mean for it to go that far”. This mixed signal business is ridiculous. As my tag line states, I am a truth sayer…at all times it feels like my God-given obligation to be honest with as much tact as I can muster up. Here are a few simple rules that I think could help prevent sending mixed signals to people:
1. If you’re just flirting, then just do that. Simply smile, converse, and move on with your day. Flirting can be enough as long as it is left at the place it started. When you carry on further, you begin to convey a false interest with someone that you may just want a “surface” relationship with. Stop starting stuff with no direction or real intentions because the issue you create is pure confusion.
2. Don’t get scared when you start to fall too deeply too fast. It happens all of the time. It’s that moment when you are feeling someone and it’s like “dang…this is too good to be true”. Honestly, it may NOT be too good to be true. The “head-over-heels” feeling only happens a few times throughout your lifetime. Which makes the optimist in me always think that if you find yourself feeling this way about someone, maybe they are just that GOOD. My thing is, just don’t run from it…slow the pace down with a simple conversation. It will show maturity and if the person is as good as they seem, they will understand and respect the slowing (not stopping) of the relationship.
3. Know for sure if you are really ready for dating. Alot of times, people go from relationship to relationship and don’t consider if their heart is ready for a new situation. I think it is critical that after each relationship, you take a breather. This just helps you get your mind, body and soul realigned. Because as we all know, when you are involved with someone you become entangled in their mind, body and soul. A break between situations also, helps you to cleanse all the residual emotions out from the last situation. There is nothing worse than beginning a new situation with someone who is still stuck on what the last person did. In all fairness, if you are truly ready for the a new relationship, then being the best you is all you want to offer someone new.
4. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!!!! I know everyone thinks that they are honest and truthful…but in all true REALNESS…THEY’RE NOT!!!!! Not because they are liars, necessarily (though I do know a few people who are habitually pathological…lol), but because most people don’t want to HEAR the truth. I met this guy once and he told me directly, as cool as he thought I was, he just wasn’t feeling me like that. Was I mad…no. Simply because he kept it honest and we are still friends. Now, a different guy I met, told me he just wanted to be friends but proceeded to pursue me as his “cuddy buddy” and even had the nerve to have an attitude when I dated other guys. With the wishy-washy guy, I had to make him understand that with me, I will hold you accountable for every word you say. There are times that a mind change happens and as long as it clearly communicated there should be no problems.
All in all, it comes down to one thing….COMMUNICATION!!!!! Any relationship expert, pastor, counselor or married couple will say that without communcation, their is no relationship. It’s safe to say, assuming that the other person knows how you feel or what your thinking is absolutely ridiculous. If you are finished with a situation…FINISH IT!!!! SAY IT!!!! COMMUNICATE IT!!!!
November 1st, 2011
More Precious than...
I saw a picture today of 6 pretty black girls, all full of baby and all in high school uniforms. Apparently, these young women decided to become pregnant on purpose at the same time. They all stood proud in their, what looked to be, high school bathroom mirror together. All of them with their shirts over their bellies, lips puckered to the side and all taking this same photo with their phones for the purpose of posting it to their Facebook profiles…i was absolutely speechless. I mean, okay, yeah people have been having children at a young age since the beginning of time but in the information age, I guess the question for me is why not make a pact to do something more with their lives? Go to some level of higher education…mature mentally and then get married and have babies. I can only imagine that having a child is an amazing gift. But I wonder, with all of this planning, do they know how precious the life is inside of them?
I have the same question for all of the women who have gotten pregnant, “accidently-on-purpose”, to keep or trap a man. Don’t use your baby as a pawn in some sick relationship game. That’s not the purpose of that child’s life. My thing is this, if you want to get and keep a man, stop playing games all together. My dad told me this a long time ago, and it is a simple principle that if more women understood…there would be less over-thinking when it comes to men…he said "if a man is interested, he will pursue.“
So…stop breeding a new set of kids for every new relationship… or just because you don’t want to work anymore but rather be taken care of by a man…ANY man!!! or because you don’t want your man to leave you…just stop it. A baby is a beautiful, innocent little person that will be corrupted (directly or indirectly) by this nonsense.
My thoughts for this post today are simply to express respect for all the REAL mothers out there…who have done their best to love, and nurture their children. It doesn’t have to be mother’s day to send a shout out to the great moms.
All you imposters who are just using your kids….STOP IT!!!!!
October 30th, 2011
Love is...
I have held my tongue for far too long…love is
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
This is personally one of the most profoundly powerful definitions that transcends all belief structures. So why is it that people really don’t know what love is?
All of my life I have been learning about love. It has fascinated me from the first time I understood my parents love, to the first time I “loved” a boy. Yet, in all of the different relationship climates, I have only experienced love that abides by this definition a few times.
No one can possibly believe that love is manipulative, sneaky, one-sided, dishonest, convenient or angry….but I know too many people who are in “loving” relationships dripping with all of the above. Don’t misunderstand, I know that no relationship is perfect but damn shouldn’t love be more about joy than sadness.
Which leads me to the purpose of this post. I’m EXTREMELY tired of this fake, temporary, lust-initiated, quick-fall/fast-departure “love”. The “I can’t do better”, “We’ve been together forever”, “It’s for the kids” kind of love. Or even “I make him happy the way his wife can’t”, “He’s paid”, “She’s BADD” type of love. I mean come on people, this world is desperately in need of real, tangible, passionate love. The kind of love that supports, surrounds and continues to grow. Maybe I’m the crazy one for believing that there is one divinely built man for me or maybe it’s not me that’s crazy but everyone else who needs to evaluate their understanding of true love.
Honestly I think many people don't know whatlove is because their first ideas of love that were to be presented to them through the love of their parents never happened. I have lived through watching one of the greatest romances of my lifetime…my parents. I wouldn’t ever call it perfect or without arguments but I would call it an amazing display of friendship, partnership, passion, spiritual/emotional support and unconditional love. 38 years of hard work!!!!
I'm just saying , you can call me a hopeless romantic but I’m waiting for my 1st Corinthians love.
“{They} feel like they’re entitled to you upon their convenience.” ~M.M. Goode.
One of my favorite male singing artists, Eric Roberson, has a song entitled “The Newness”. In this song he expresses the infatuation phase of a relationship. The first few months that involves all of the pleasantries of 2 people falling for each other. Every first eye glance, smile, hand held, hug, kiss, and moment is refreshing and sweet. All stories are new and worth hearing. It’s the feeling before the first real argument or before that person starts getting on your last good nerve. You go to sleep thinking about them and wake up reminiscing about all of the newness you’ve experienced thus far. The truth is, the newness is an amazing feeling and even though a real relationship will grow in all manner of levels…the newness can never be replicated. One of my favorite people happens to be going through this phase right now. She is enjoying it but hesitant about how much truth is embedded in the newness. Though this is a fun and beautiful phase of any relationship…there are some truths that are rarely addressed that I have experienced in the newness.
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I was sitting in my beautician’s chair having my sisterlocks tightened. When, as usual, the conversation of relationships emerged. This time it was a brotha starting the conversation and it began with him diagnosing a friend of his as being bitter due to mistreatment from his wife at home. Then he proceeded to make a very confident declaration about how he’d rather not be in a relationship but preferred the purchased time that he received from an exotic dancer (trying to be politically correct). So it made me think….wouldn’t that make him the lemonade calling the unsweetened tea bitter? (Y’all know I think I’m funny). Over the past few weeks I have had quite a few conversations and encountered many brothas and have come to a realization that the epidemic has taken a turn. No longer does the bitter black woman need to be downsized but the bitter black man is an ever growing population.
When I was younger I loved a ruff neck. As a matter of fact Mc Lyte’s anthem to such brothas was one of my favorite songs. It was something about their straight forward approach, rebellious and ridiculously unfazed attitude to life. Thankfully after saying goodbye to those who had to leave the state or those who had to do a bid…I learned Thug love wasn’t for me. Thankfully I am the type of person that usually doesn’t make the same mistake twice. So through my years of maturing and learning more about myself my dating preferences have definitely changed. Truth is, I have run the gamut of personality traits of men…
“What we shared was as sweet and as endearing as a forehead kiss. It was what I wanted. It was what I needed. He was a gentleman, and a friend, and I will always love him for that.” -The Best Man (1999)
Since I am a very direct person, I truly can’t stand playing games when dating. But since dating has become more like a war field and I have to go through each relationship as if it is one battle after another…I say let the games begin.
There’s nothing in this world that I love more than seeing a loving relationship. Okay, that’s a little dramatic but the hopeless romantic inside of me definitely loves seeing other people grow in loving relationships. One of my favorite parts about these relationships is hearing the story of how it came to be. More times than not, the man will say that he knew that the woman was “the one” shortly after they began dating. I particularly love when the guy says, “I never thought I’d be married because even though I was a ‘good dude’…women never wanted to be with me.” A good dude, huh? If I had a dime for every guy that has made this statement …I think I would be able to purchase the limited edition Alexander McQueen wedge heels that I want. Don’t get me wrong there are some good brothas out there who are having a hard time dating but let’s be honest, not all of them are as good as they believe.
My sister and her friends have this “question of the day” email/text that they send. It’s addressed to successful men and women who are single and enjoying life. Typically the questions span from the infamous “does size matter” to “what’s the difference between sexy and beautiful/handsome?” The individuals in this cipher are so intelligent that before answering such questions they must know more details…so that they can offer an “educated” response and not an “emotional” response.
VS
Just got off the phone with one of my guy friends…and we always have these interesting conversations about relationships. Well today’s meeting of the minds included a conversation and confession about dating outside of our race. *eyebrow raise*
One mother’s day a few years back I realized that I had more in common with my grandmother than I ever knew. For many years the only thing I thought we had in common was my mother. That reason alone was enough for me to love her without any question and no matter how unbending she could be about things at times, the longer I lived the more I loved her.
I saw a picture today of 6 pretty black girls, all full of baby and all in high school uniforms. Apparently, these young women decided to become pregnant on purpose at the same time. They all stood proud in their, what looked to be, high school bathroom mirror together. All of them with their shirts over their bellies, lips puckered to the side and all taking this same photo with their phones for the purpose of posting it to their Facebook profiles…i was absolutely speechless. I mean, okay, yeah people have been having children at a young age since the beginning of time but in the information age, I guess the question for me is why not make a pact to do something more with their lives? Go to some level of higher education…mature mentally and then get married and have babies. I can only imagine that having a child is an amazing gift. But I wonder, with all of this planning, do they know how precious the life is inside of them?
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